And They Said I'd Do Fine When I Left the Nuthouse
by The Laziest Woman on Mars
Summary: WARNING: Do not read if you have one of the following conditions: 1. Hatred of Puns and Randomness 2.Annoyance with Wasted Space 3.Any SENSE at all...this is a story based on my hatred of overused puns and cliches. ENJOY!
1. The Curse of the Overused Pun

Harry Potter and the Curse of the Overused Pun  
  
Author's Note: Something stupid I came up with at three in the morning. Do not read if puns get on your nerves. Siriusly.  
  
Disclaimer: Harry ain't mine.  
  
Sirius looked at himself in the mirror...it was five and he had already shaved once. "Crud, I'm hairy." He said. "I need to shave again."  
  
"Actually, I'm Harry." Harry grinned from the hall as he peeked in.  
  
"Shove it, Harry, I'm serious."  
  
"Yes, you actually are Sirius." Harry grinned.  
  
"Oh, I get it. Good one Harry." Sirius shook his head.  
  
"Sirius, you actually are hairy." Harry said, looking at Sirius' whiskers.  
  
"I thought you said you were Harry?"  
  
"No, I'm serious. You're hairy."  
  
"Okay, so I'm Harry and you are Sirius."  
  
"No...I'm seriously Harry." Harry grinned.  
  
"Well, you can't be both." Sirius shrugged. "So let's get this straight...I'm Sirius and you are Harry?"  
  
"Harry isn't hairy." Remus said as he passed.  
  
"Then who am I?" Harry asked.  
  
"Excuse me?" Remus said, confused.  
  
"He thinks he's Sirius." Sirius said.  
  
"What? Are you serious?" Remus asked.  
  
"I'm Sirius, but he Siriusly thinks he's Harry."  
  
"I know I'm Harry, but Sirius keeps saying that he's Harry."  
  
"I may be Sirius, but I'm hairy." Sirius said.  
  
"Okay, now I'm really getting confused." Remus said. "Who's Sirius and who's Harry."  
  
"I'm serious, but I'm Harry."  
  
"And I may be hairy, but I'm Sirius."  
  
"Will one of you please just be serious for a moment?" Remus said in exasperation.  
  
"I'm serious/Sirius!" they both said in unison.  
  
"Seriously, this is getting out of hand." Remus said.  
  
"Serious, Remus?"  
  
"I'm dead serious." Remus answered.  
  
"Oh, so you're not only Sirius, but you're dead now?" Harry grinned.  
  
"What?" Remus said. "I'm not Sirius."  
  
"Yes we know, you are a prankster." Harry said. "What a kidder you are, Sirius."  
  
"Now stop this! You're Sirius and you're Harry!" So saying, Remus shaved every inch of hair from Sirius' head and put a laughing charm on Harry so he couldn't be serious at all. "There! I've done it! I've solved the curse of the...  
  
DUH DUH DUH...  
  
OVERUSED PUN!!!!!  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Possibly the stupidest thing ever written. YAY! 


	2. Turning Into a Girl and Meeting Yoda

Harry Potter and the Curse of Being Turned into a Girl and Meeting Yoda

**Author's Note:** I now have the long-awaited sequel to this story. I find it amusing that this piece actually got 17 reviews. For one chapter. Wow.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the series.

Harry was in potions one day when all of a sudden Hermione spilt a potion on him.

"I have boobs!" he said in shock. And so he did. Because the potion she had dropped on him was a potion that turned people into girls. It was called a Change Into a Girl Potion, which had no effect on Hermione because she already was a girl, but it was now perfectly clear why she stayed away from the Oh Wow You're a Boy Now Potion on Snape's desk.

Snape scowled at Harry. "You're not very pretty," he said, which clearly meant he was a raging homosexual who would obviously have sex with Harry first chance he got to provided he could get to know him as a person, overcome years of animosity towards the Potter name, and clean his greasy hair.

Harry cried and ran from the room when he heard this.

He ran straight into the Room of Requirement because he knew that anything he needed would be there.

"In trouble are you?" said a small green figure.

"What the heck?" said Harry.

"Yoda I am."

"Why are you here?" said Harry in shock. Well actually, since now has boobs and severe mood personality changes because of his chickness he needed a girl name so henceforth he was known as Harriette.

"Here to help you I am," said Yoda.

"How can you help me?" said Harriette.

"Make you accept gender I will," said Yoda. "Like being a female you will."

"Can't I just have my penis back?" said Harriette.

"Penis you cannot have," said Yoda. "Penis you do not need to be happy. All you need to be happy the force is."

"What are you talking about? Why do you talk like that? What the heck is the force?" said Harriette.

"Do you not know the force?" asked Yoda.

"Obviously not otherwise I would have just smiled and nodded. But anyway, what are you doing here? You look like you belong in some weird cultish nerdy movie about people a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away."

"In that movie I am also, but help from me you need now."

"Couldn't the room have just given me a Change Back into a Girl Potion?" Harriette said.

Yoda chuckled. "The force you must use, Harriette. Use force and become boy again."

"All right. Force." Harriette closed his/her eyes and focused on that vague allusion to some universal power.

"The force is not that," said Yoda. "The box behind you it is."

Harriette turned around and saw a large box. He/she opened it and out flew a dozen shiny balloons labled Happy Birthday.

"This is the force?"

"No, your birthday present this is." Yoda then began singing and stripping for Harriette. At that moment Voldemort appeared, wearing pink heels and a blonde wig.

"Damn," he hissed. "One step ahead of me again, Potter."

Then Voldemort and Yoda began making out as Harriette watched in horror.

The End


	3. And All That Jazz SnapeStyle

**Harry Potter and What Happened When Snape Put on a Musical Number in the Dungeons**

Author's Note: **_I'm sorry._**

Disclaimer: I don't usually write like this. If this is you're introduction to my writing, _**please read something else**_ before you write me off as a complete lunatic. Oh yeah, and JKR is the real owner of the Harry Potter series.

One day Harry and the rest of the gang were sitting in potions as they usually were when strange, notable things happened, because it just wasn't as interesting when unusual things happened in, oh, say, Astronomy.

"This class blows," said Harry as he drew a picture of Draco Malfoy on a broomstick half-naked which (as every fangirl knows) is his ultimate fantasy.

"I'm sorry if I'm boring you Mister Potter," said Snape with the evilest of his evil glares.

"Well, why don't you make the class more interesting?" Harry retorted.

Snape fumed. His body grew erect, enlarged to it's fullest…(oh crap, I just realized how perverted you people are, assuming they're all gay and stuff, oh well, let's just say he's incredibly pissy at the moment.)

"Oh? I should make it interesting?" said Snape. "And how would you propose I do that Mister Potter?"

Harry looked up at Snape, a bored expression on his face. Then he ripped of his clothes and revealed a pair of sparkly pink shorts. "LET'S SING!" he shouted, jumping up on his desk.

Snape glared at him before ripping off his robes as well, revealing sparkly green shorts. "OKAY! LET'S HIT IT!"

And at that moment every student in the room also revealed skimpy musical-type outfits, Draco slinked up to Harry in his most seductive manner, and the music started.

Snape swung his greasy black hair out of his face and batted his eyelashes.

"Come on babe, why don't we curse the town? And all that jazz!"

To which Harry replied, "I'm gonna wax my wand, and put my broomstick down, and all that jazz!" (Oh hush you, it isn't innuendo!)

"Apparate, I know a magic spot, the Firewhiskey's cold but the dragon's hot, it's just our own great hall, where there's a goblin brawl, and all….that…jazz…." they sang together.

"Skidoo!" Hermione interjected.

"And all that jazz," Snape sang.

"Hatcha! Magic!" the class hissed,

"And all that jazz," Harry said with a sexy shake of his boy-tush.

"Ha ha ha!"

"So clean your hair," sang Harry, prompting an evil glare from Snape, "and wear those witchy shoes, and all that jazz!"

"And all that jazz!"

"I hear the Weird Sisters are gonna play the blues, and all that jazz!" sang Snape.

"And all that jazz!"

Snape sang, "I've brewed some potions now, back in my dungeon there, in case you have a wart or need a spell to start, to do…….that….."

"JAZZZZZZZZZZ!" Neville sang, getting up on the desk and waving his arms emphatically before being knocked down.

"Find a flask, before you burn your caboose!"

"And all that jazz…and all that jazz!"

"Right up here is where the toads are juiced!"

"And all that jazz…and all that jazz!"

"Come on babe, we're gonna fly up high, so that the muggles won't even see us in the sky, cause in the stratosphere how could you lend an ear to all…..that…….jaaaazzzz…." Snape belted out, meriting approving looks from the students.

"Oh, you're gonna see my Draco shimmy shake," Harry said, giving the Slytherin a smack on the booty. "And all that jazz!"

"Oh, he's gonna shimmy till his garters break," winked Snape, "and all that jazz!"

"I'll show him where to park his hiney, oh his mom is gonna scream 'Oh blimey!'"

"If she'd hear, her baby's queer," ("You got that right," Draco added,) "For all……that….jaaaazzz…."

"And all that jazz….and all that jazz!"

"Come on babe, why don't we curse the town? And all that jazz!"

"I'm gonna wax my wand, and put my broomstick down, and all that jazz!" (Oh hush you, it STILL isn't innuendo!)

"Apparate, I know a magic spot, the Firewhiskey's cold but the dragon's hot, it's just our own great hall, where there's a goblin brawl, and all….that…jazz…."

Snape sang, "No, I'm no one's guy but, oh, I'd love to try!"

"And all……that….JAAAZZZZ!"

Then the lights went dark. The sparkly bottoms disappeared and a lone light shone on Neville Longbottom.

"If a wizard stood up in a class, and blew up a potion on his ass, and torched his arm and froze his leg, you'd notice him,

"If someone in the Great Hall cried, 'Oh dear God there's a troll inside!' he wouldn't even have to beg you'd notice him,

"And even with biting like a Hippogriff, most people get a second or at least a first whiff, unless of course that wizard boy should be, invisible, inconsequential me…."

"Mister Cellophane, Mister Cellophane, should'a been my name, Mister Cellophane…"

But then the lights came back on. "This is boring," said Snape, dusting off his sparkly green shorts. "And I'm tired of musicals anyway. Back to class."

Everybody put their robes back on, Draco blushed and then insulted Harry to further their love-hate relationship and class continued.

Then the world blew up because it just couldn't take the disturbingness of what had just happened in that classroom. Oh yeah, and because it was just too damned sexy. Too damned sexy, indeed.


	4. Subliminal Space Kittens

**Harry Potter and the Curse of the Subliminal Space Kittens**

**Author's Note:** ……………………okay. What the heck. Close to forty reviews? For this story? Of all stories? You have to be kidding me right? And like…only one flame. Wow. Insane.

**Disclaimer: **I understand why JKR would want to sue me if I claimed this story was written by her or that I owned Harry Potter. It wasn't and I don't.

Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger were skipping through a meadow picking daisies one day.

"Why are we picking daisies in the middle of the day? Aren't we supposed to be at school," said Hermione

"Bloody hell!" said Ron.

"I suppose," said Harry.

"Hooray curriculum!" said Hermione. At that moment a giant spaceship fell out of the sky and hit her on the head. "Ouch," she responded.

The spaceship was planted firmly on the ground, and fog rolled out of it's depths as it opened up to reveal a fuzzy little thing with giant eyes.

"Ooh, a kitten!" squealed Professor Snape, who appeared out of the nowhere.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron.

"Snape's here!" said Harry in shock.

"I am, you little twit," said Snape, as he picked a kitten up out of the spaceship and cuddled it.

"That's not any ordinary kitten, I've read about it in my textbook. It's a space kitten!" said Harry.

"And it's not any ordinary space kitten, it's a Subliminal Space Kitten!" said Hermione.

"Bloody hell!" shouted Ron.

"Get away from that kitten professor, as quickly as possible, that kitten will entice you with his fuzzy fuzzy cuteness and then he will meow and purr, but in that meowing and purring will be many subliminal messages that will make you do and think horrible things, like think that Avril Lavigne makes good music or that Ben Affleck is a good actor!" Hermione said.

"Fools, can't you see the power of this kitten?" said Snape. "It may be a Subliminal Space Kitten but his infinite cuteness will give me the power to rule the world!"

"Then give the kitten to me!" said a hissy voice.

Everybody turned to see Voldemort standing there…….

………dressed in a curly blonde wig with sparkly pink shoes.

"NEVER!" said Harry. "We shall never let you put the Subliminal Space Kittens to use in your horrible horrible game!"

"Harry, you don't know what you're doing!" said Hermione in horror.

"Bloody hell!" cried Ron.

"Don't you see?" said Voldemort as he approached Snape and the kitten.

"You can't do this!" said Snape as he cuddled the kitten. "I shall not let you!"

"Then you must die!" said Voldemort.

"Can't you like, just make me your sex slave?" said Snape eagerly.

"………………………………….no." Voldemort replied.

"Just give him the Subliminal Space Kitten professor, it isn't worth it!" said Hermione.

"He can't have the Subliminal Space Kitten! Because….it's my brother!" Harry said. Silence fell on the field of daisies.

"You're…….brother?" said Hermione.

"Bloody hell?" Ron said questioningly.

"You see, my mother wasn't just a muggle-born witch. She was born on the planet Hagalasofselk a long time ago and sent here in a spacecraft which landed in my grandparent's yard. My grandparents took her in and raised her until she got her letter from Hogwarts. What nobody knew is that what they saw of my mother was nothing but a cleverly crafted shell within which was contained the form of a Subliminal Space Kitten. She married my dad and had me, but did not die in Voldemort's attack, and instead was able to escape back to the home planet where she obviously met this Subliminal Space Kitten's father and had him. He's come back to take me home."

Everybody stared at Harry, and then they turned to stare at the Subliminal Space Kitten.

Then the Subliminal Space Kitten blew up.

Then Harry blew up.

Then Ron and Hermione both blew up.

Then Voldemort blew up, reformed again because he wasn't quite ready to die, then he blew up permanently.

Snape looked around in horror. He was alone in the field of daisies. Then he shrugged. Oh well, at least he could run naked through the field now, which had been his intention when he had first arrived.

He threw off his robes until he was standing bare-butt naked in the field and began to frolic.

Then he blew up.

The End


	5. Penguins and Narcissism

**Harry Potter and the Dancing Penguins (One of Whom is named Eli)**

**Author's Note: **Thanks for all the reviews! Another chapter, huzzah! Oh yeah, and again, I'm SOOO sorry.

**Disclaimer: **Though it is understandable that JK would want to sue me for claiming this story in her name, it is indeed written by me. So sad.

* * *

The penguins appeared out of nowhere.

Nobody knew where they came from.

Not a single person at Hogwarts knew how to get rid of them.

Harry was sitting in the bath one day when a penguin waddled up and jumped into the tub with him. "What the hell, there's a penguin in my tub!" said Harry.

"Indeed," said Draco, who was of course taking a bath with Harry.

"Absolutely," added Snape, who was not taking a bath because obviously he didn't want to make the mistake of cleaning his damned sexy greasy black mess of hair but who was watching nevertheless.

"My name is Eli," said the penguin.

"What the heck is wrong with the author?" said Harry angrily. He got out of his tub and wrapped a towel around his little boy tush, staring angrily through the monitor at Megx. "What the heck is wrong with you? I am NOT having sexual relations with Draco Malfoy or Severus Snape!"

"Oh, be nice," said Draco with a flamboyant flick of his wrist.

"Harry, we've been through this a million times," said Megx as she rolled her eyes at the computer screen. "I know that you would never sleep with either Malfoy or Snape…..in a Harry Potter book. This isn't a Harry Potter book, this is fanfiction, and so long as I write that lovely little disclaimer up there I can do whatever I like with you."

"No….you….can't!" said Harry.

"Bloody hell!" shouted Ron.

"Ron?" Harry said in confusion. "Why did you write a line for Ron, he wasn't here a moment ago. You can't just put somebody in when they weren't here!"

Ron had just fallen through a hole in the ceiling which had been put there by the penguins.

"What? That line was ridiculous, how could penguins put a hole in a ceiling?"

"Oh Harry, I told you I could do anything. I am the author after all."

"Bloody hell?" said Ron in confusion.

"Mew," said the Subliminal Space Kitten.

"What?" said Harry, furrowing his brow. "What's up with the kitten?"

"Subliminal Space Kitten!" said Snape happily as the kitten mewed and bounded into his outstretched arms, where he held it and nuzzled it all cute-like.

"What's going on now?" said Hermione, who had also just fallen through the hole.

"What are you doing?" said Harry as he stared at the author. "Hermione is a girl! She can't see my…..parts."

Hermione had five minutes before announced that she was a lesbian and therefore not interested at all in Harry's parts.

"Oh come now!" said Harry. "What's all this?"

"My name is Eli!" said the penguin, who was still swimming in the tub, and playing with Draco, who was looking all sudsy and slippery and sexy.

"Make it all stop!" said Harry, who was on the verge of tears.

"Oh no, not until I have fun, or until my brain gets tired enough to let me go to sleep," said Megx with a sigh.

"Yes Potter, do as the authoress says," said a hissy voice.

"NO! No no no!" said Harry as he turned to see Voldemort drop through the hole. "WHY THE HECK IS HE STILL WEARING THE BLONDE WIG AND PINK HEELS FROM CHAPTER TWO!"

"Because everybody knows that Voldemort in drag is teh secks," said Megx, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"My name is Eli!" said the penguin as Draco cradled him in his sexy boyish arms.

Then Snape and Voldemort started making out.

"WHY ARE SNAPE AND VOLDEMORT SNOGGING?" said a very confused and disturbed Harry.

"Why, because Yoda isn't here," said Megx. "But hey, that's a good idea isn't it?"

At that moment Yoda dropped through the ceiling and began making out with Voldemort and Snape. Yoda was clad in a neon-pink thong with the word 'hot' written on it with crystals.

"You….are….mental," Harry said in horror.

"I know!" said the author happily.

Then Draco and the penguin started making out. "I'm Eli!" the penguin was saying.

"Please make it stop!" cried Harry, who had never been more frightened in his life.

"No, sorry, I'm enjoying your suffering," said Megx as she watched the scene take place in her head. "Oh, but I know what could make it even more awesome…"

At that moment Princess Peach, who had just rejected a very teary-eyed Italian plumber and admitted to being a lesbian, dropped through the ceiling. She had Hermione immediately began making out.

"Wanna make out?" said Ron.

"What happened to only saying Bloody Hell?" said Harry.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron.

Then everything got weirder because more penguins suddenly began dropping through the hole in the ceiling, until everybody was swimming in a sea of penguins.

"Please tell me this is the end," said Harry as he stared up at Megx while the penguins began surrounding him.

"No, I don't think so," she said. "I mean, I can go on and on with this, I'm so amused at the moment, I really don't think I want to end it."

"I hate you," Harry said.

Then Megx's friend Larry showed up.

"Dear God, what have you done now?" he said as he looked on the scene in complete and utter horror, having seen the sort of things that Megx had done in stories before, though she had never quite gone this mental in her schemings.

"Oh nothing. Ron's there, Princess Peach and Hermione are making out, Snape is having a three-way snogging with Yoda and Voldemort in drag, Draco is making out with a penguin and a sea of penguins is flooding the room as we speak."

"……………….." Larry stared at Megx, not really being able to say anything.

"So, you think I should set the place on fire?" she said.

"NO!" Harry shouted.

"What?" said Larry, still not able to comprehend the insanity.

"Okay," said Megx. The entire room burst into flames.

When the room burst into flames, the penguins also burst into flames.

"Oh no, I'm Eli!" said the penguin making out with Draco as he burst into flames.

"Ah, my Eli!" said Draco as he burst into flames along with the penguin.

"I can't believe it, everybody is bursting into flames!" said Hermione as she burst into flames.

"Bloody hell!" Ron shouted as he burst into flames.

Snape, Yoda, and Voldemort were too busy making out to notice when they had burst into flames. The Subliminal Space Kitten, who was still clinging to Snape's shoulder, of course exploded.

And pretty soon, the entire place was in ashes as Harry stood there, open-mouthed, staring the author. "What……….did………you……..do……." he said in horror.

"I know!" said Megx perkily.

"My brain hurts," said Larry.

"I know!" said Megx happily.

Then they all burst into flames.

AAAAAGGHGHHH! I'm burning!

The En…..aaaaagghh! Hot! Hot!


	6. The Waffle Iron of DOOM

Harry Potter and the Waffle Iron of DOOM!

**Author's Note: **WHAT? Ok….okay….I don't understand this. Thirty-four reviews. THIRTY-FOUR REVIEWS. On this one chapter. Of this story. I've busted my ass working on those other stories, I've put so much hard work into those stories, and after five chapters of this random piece of poo I already have close to eighty reviews total. I really don't understand it but I don't care. I'm going to have the most reviewed fanfic on if I keep this up, and I don't even have to try? Do you people want to test me, to see what the limits of my randomosity are? Do you think there is a limit? Well…we'll just have to see won't we?

**Disclaimer: **JK Rowling would roll over in her grave if I tried to pass this stupid thing off as hers, but she's not dead, and I am not claiming it was her who wrote it. It was me, Megx.

Waffles are an especially tasty treat, especially in the morning when they're all nice and toasty and such, which is the reason our popular trio was waiting eagerly beside a waffle iron one morning, waiting as batter was transformed into miraculous waffles before their very eyes.

"Mmm….waffles…" said Hermione with a sigh.

"I like waffles," said Harry rather pointlessly.

"Bloody hell!" Ron interjected, because I won't allow him to say anything else.

After a few more moments of watching, the waffle maker was opened up and presented to them were three gorgeous waffles, all of which were the most delicious looking waffles that anybody had ever seen.

"These waffles look positively delightful!" said Hermione.

"Indeed," said Harry, again rather pointlessly.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron before pouring hot syrup over one of the tasty breakfast treats and popping it into his mouth. Taking his lead, the others also began imbibing in the delicious treats.

They were all so involved in their waffling that they didn't notice when the waffle iron got up and walked away, sprouting fangs as it did so.

It was the screams of terror that finally interrupted their reverie in the world of breakfast treats.

"What? Why are people screaming? Is it Voldemort?" Harry said, pulling out his wand.

"It's probably just Snape walking around naked again," said Hermione with a shrug. Then she frowned. "Wait…this isn't the first Thursday of the second week of the month of August in a year ending with the number 7," she said in concern. "It can't be naked Snape!"

"It's the waffle iron!" screamed a young girl as she came running toward them. "Oh, the horror of it all! The waffle iron is going to kill us!"

"The waffle iron, oh dear god!" shrieked Draco as he ran by.

"What? The waffle iron?" said Harry.

"Bloody hell!" said a bewildered Ron.

"What are we going to do!" said Hermione as she looked off into the distance hoping to catch a glimpse of the maniacal pastry appliance.

"We must fight to the death!" said Dumbledore, who arrived suddenly wearing a hula skirt and coconut bra.

"Whatever are you wearing, professor?" said Hermione, scratching her head.

"No time to explain, to the Batmobile!"

"What?" said Harry.

All of a sudden a black car showed up out of nowhere. Two men in spandex leaped out. "I'm Batman, and this is Robin, the boy wonder. Get in the car with us, everything will be explained."

Naturally, everybody got in the car with him and sped away. You just can't help but trust Batman.

However, when they arrived at their destination they saw that they were at a club with flashing lights. "This is the Batcave," said Batman. "It's the new gay club I started with the help of Robin."

"Oh, you did most of the work," said Robin modestly.

"What about the waffle iron? And what will we do at a gay club?"

Snape appeared out of nowhere, looking like his usual depressing, morose, morbid self. "The waffle iron does not concern you Potter," he said greasily, "and as for what we're going to do at this gay club…."

"…………………………………………………."

"………………………………………………………"

"………………………………………………………"

"…………………………………………………….."

"…"

"LET'S DANCE!" Snape then threw off his robes to reveal a pair of sparkly green shorts.

Harry stared at him for a moment before ripping off his robes also, revealing sparkly pink shorts. "OKAY!" he replied.

"I'm too sexy for my wand… too sexy for my wand…  
My wand's going to curse me…" sang Harry,

I'm too sexy for my shirt too sexy for my shorts  
So sexy it hurts  
And I'm too sexy for London, too sexy for London,  
Diagon Alley and Hogwarts…" sang Snape.

Draco then appeared and began sing. "And I'm too sexy for your gay club,  
Too sexy for your gay club,  
No way I'm booty dancing."

"I'm a wizard…you know what I mean  
And I do my little turn on the Quidditch field…  
Yeah on the Quidditch field…on the Quidditch field yeah  
I do my little turn on the Quidditch field," said Harry in his most seductive manner.

"I'm too sexy for my broomstick too sexy for my broomstick  
Too sexy by far," said a lusty sounding Snape.

"And I'm too sexy for my pointy hat  
Too sexy for my pointy hat what do you think about that," sang Draco, who was shimmying by this point.

"I'm a wizard…you know what I mean  
And I do my little turn on the Quidditch field  
Yeah on the Quidditch field on the Quidditch field yeah  
I shake my little touche on the Quidditch field…" sang Harry, who was waaaay too into this.

"I'm too sexy for my too sexy for my too sexy for my…" sang Draco, who was easily the most flamboyant of the lot.

"'Cos I'm a wizard…you know what I mean  
And I do my little turn on the Quidditch field…  
Yeah on the Quidditch field on the Quidditch field yeah  
I shake my little touche on the Quidditch field…" sang Snape.

"I'm too sexy for my cat too sexy for my cat,  
Poor pussy poor pussy cat…" sang Harry, while everybody else scratched their heads trying to figure out what this one meant.

"I'm too sexy for my wand too sexy for my wand  
My wand's going to curse me…" sang Draco.

"And I'm too sexy for this song," they all finished.

By this point everybody was all hot and sweaty and Hermione had already found and started making out with Princess Peach.

And then, just because it's necessary by this point, Voldemort showed up wearing a curly blonde wig and sparkly pink shoes.

"My Potter, you're looking fabulous," he said with a flick of his wrist. "And Snapey-poo, whatever have you done with your pallid, skinny little body? You're even paler than I remember."

And then the author shot herself because even SHE couldn't believe what the hell she was doing.

The BANG!


	7. Rocky Harry Picture Show

**Rocky Harry Picture Show **

**Author's Note: **This was my friend's idea. The madness is spreading. If you want to gripe at him, his pen name is The No Life King of Denton. Gripe away.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own anything. I don't even own my sanity anymore, I sold it to the devil in exchange for some Bazooka! gum. Mmm….gum.

Harry was bored. I mean, what is there for a wizard boy wonder to do when he isn't currently attempting to defeat the most notoriously evil wizard in modern day times? Well, anyway, at the moment Harry was hanging out in the common room licking stamps when all of a sudden Hermione came up the stairs, screaming.

"Hey Harry, Dumbledore wants us in the Great Hall for something, immediately!"

"Bloody hell!" said Ron as he also came running up the stairs.

"What? Why?" said Harry.

"I don't know," Hermione said, "but he wanted you to put on this French Maid's uniform.

"Are you sure this is Dumbledore we're talking about?" said Harry in concern. "I mean, Snape is always trying to get me to wear the French Maid's uniform, but…"

"Just come on!" said Hermione.

"Bloody hell!"

They all went running to the Great Hall, and when the got there it was just in time to hear the wedding bells ringing.

"What's all this?" said a somewhat confused Harry.

"It's your second Friday in February gift," said Hermione. "A live-action rendition of the Rocky Horror Picture show."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" cried Harry in anguish.

Then Ron and Hermione began singing about each other. Apparently, Ron can sing things other than 'Bloody Hell', he just can't speak them.

"Dammit, Hermione, I love you….."

They were singing about their love and such for one another, and eventually Ron ended up proposing to Hermione.

Then there was a scene change and they were in the car.

It was raining.

Everybody was wet.

That sucked.

Eventually Ron and Hermione came up to the doorway of a huge castle (which had somehow been put into Hogwarts). When they rang the doorbell, Snape appeared in all his creepy glory.

Harry was no longer just watching though. By this point the French Maid uniform was on and he was dressed up as Snape's sister. Yummy.

And then they all started doing the time warp.

And then a Subliminal Space Kitten appeared. And then it exploded.

Eventually, everybody ended up in a large room, and an elevator opened up to reveal Voldemort, wearing….

Yes, kids, say it with me…

A curly blonde wig and sparkly pink heels.

He began singing, while Yoda randomly appeared in sparkly shorts playing the part of Columbine.

"How d'you do, I see you've met my faithful handyman  
He's just a little brought down because when you knocked  
He thought you were the candyman.  
Don't get strung out by the way that I look,  
Don't judge a book by its cover  
I'm not much of a man by the light of day,  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

So let me show you around, maybe play you a sound  
You look like you're both pretty groovy  
Or if you want something visual that's not too abysmal  
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

I'm glad we caught you at home, could we use your phone?  
We're both in a bit of a hurry.  
We'll just say where we are, then go back to the car  
We don't want to be any worry.

So you got caught with a flat, well, how about that?  
Well babies, don't you panic.  
By the light of the night when it all seems alright  
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

So why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite?  
I could show you my favourite obsession.  
I've been making a man with blond hair and a tan  
And he's good for relieving my tension

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

So come up to the lab. And see what's on the slab.  
I see you shiver with antici... pation!  
But maybe the rain isn't really to blame  
So I'll remove the cause, but not the symptom…"

Then they all followed him to the laboratory, where he revealed his experiment, a young boy with slicked-back blonde hair.

Played, obviously, by Draco Malfoy.

Meanwhile, Snape had began chasing his 'sister' around the room, trying to make out with her.

Poor Harry.

Voldemort began chasing Draco around the room, trying to make out with him.

Ron was afraid of girls and couldn't make out with Hermione.

And Yoda, being the disgusting little pervert he was, was staring up people's skirts.

Then Hagrid burst out of a wall. Apparently half of his brain had been stolen and given to Draco. Tough, huh? Then Voldemort killed Hagrid.

Then came nighttime, when everybody began banging one another, while Yoda (being the disgusting little pervert he was) watched.

And then…okay, whatever, if you've read this far you know the plot of Rocky Horror Picture show. Let's just say Dumbledore played the Doctor and it ended with a rousing musical number in which everybody sang and danced in drag.

So…

"What are you doing?"

"What?" said Megx, turning. Harry, still in the maid outfit, was glaring at her.

"I've had enough. You keep doing these horrible things to us! There was a waffle iron with fangs in the last chapter! You never even told us what happened to it!"

"Oh yeah," said Megx.

And the Rocky Harry Picture Show ended when the Waffle Iron of DOOM! returned and ate the star.

"Burp," said the Waffle Iron of DOOM!

"WHAT?" said Harry. "Okay, I really don't understand this. What possesses you to do such horrible things? This wasn't even really that great of a chapter! I mean, seriously, tell me, what is it?"

Megx shrugged. "Probably the gremlins."

"The what?" said a confused Harry.

"The gremlins, you know? The ones that live in my pants."

"You have gremlins living in your pants?"

"……………………….yes?" said Megx.

"…………………………I hate you." Said Harry Potter.

Megx stared at Harry. Then she said, "Mogwai!"

"NO MORE GREMLINS REFERENCES!"

Then they started making out.

Then the Waffle Iron of DOOM! ate them.

Then Megx turned into a zebra and killed the Waffle Iron of DOOM!

And there was much rejoicing.

The End.

Megx blinked and stared at what she had just written. "What the heck?" she said.

The other end.

"No, and I don't mean a butt."

The Final End

"Until I write another chapter."

The End of this Chapter

"Just stop it already!" said Harry

"Okay!" said Megx

Yeah….okay….the EEEENNNNDDDD!

(muuahahahahaha)


	8. Lord of the Thing

Harry Potter and the Lord of the Thing

**Author's Note: **Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time on my hands.

**Disclaimer: **Read the first bazillion chapters and take a wild guess.

Harry was asleep when all of a sudden Neville threw open the curtains around his bed. "Did you go to the place?" he cried.

"What?" said Harry.

"The place!" cried Neville. "The place with the thing!"

"I have the thing!" said Harry. "What place?"

"You mean the thing isn't at the place?" said a horrified Neville. "You have to get the thing to the place immediately, or you know, that stuff might happen."

"You're right Neville!" said Harry as he leaped out of bed. "I almost forgot that stuff that could happen if the thing weren't in the place! We have to get the thing to the place before that time!"

"Yes! To make that stuff not happen you have to get that thing to the place before the time that the thing not being in the place would cause the stuff to happen!"

So, gathering up all of his friends, Harry went on a quest to take the thing to the place.

On the way there, he got lost in the woods and met a tall elf who was walking with a short guy with huge, hairy feet.

"I'm Legolas," said the elf, "and this is Frodo, the hobbit. We're currently taking a break from the world of obsessive Lord of the Rings fans."

"Cool," said Harry. "Would you like to join me in my quest? I'm the Lord of the Thing."

"Might I call you the Thing-Bearer?' said Legolas.

"Sure," responded Harry.

And so they set off to get the thing to the place before the time when the stuff would start to sort of happen.

While they were headed in that direction, you know, to the place, Godzilla appeared.

"Godzilla!" shouted a random little Asian guy.

"Oh noes! Snap!" cried Frodo a moment before Godzilla ate him.

Then the Waffle Iron of DOOM! ate Godzilla.

Then Megx edited the Waffle Iron of DOOM! out of the story because she wanted to continue with Lord of the Thing.

"Too bad about Frodo being eaten and all," said Legolas, who didn't seem all that sorry.

"Yeah, okay," said Harry.

"Bloody hell!" shouted Ron in his first appearance this chapter.

"Hooray curriculum!" said Hermione, who was an idiot.

"Forget about the place!" said Harry suddenly. "I want to go to IHOP!"

And so they went. They had many pancakes. The thing was forgotten amidst all the pancaking.

The Waffle Iron of DOOM! cried because it didn't feel needed anymore. Megx then smited the Waffle Iron of DOOM! Then the Waffle Iron of DOOM! smote Megx.

The waitress arrived. "May I take your order?" she said in a creepily familiar voice.

Then Harry realized that it was Voldemort wearing a curly blonde wig and sparkly pink heels.

"I'll have the roasted cactus," said Hermione.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron.

Then, out of nowhere, the ninja zombie pirates appeared. "Damn, Ninja Zombie Pirates!" said Harry. "This blows!"

"How do we fight Ninja Zombie Pirates?" said Hermione.

"With penguins!" said Harry.

"What? Do you mean we can summon penguins to help us fight?" said Hermione.

"No! We'll use a penguin cannon!" said Harry, revealing a giant cannon into which he loaded a bunch of random penguins (who, poor things, had only been there for some blueberry pancakes). Then he shot the ninja zombie pirates with the penguins until they all died.

But unfortunately in the battle Ron had also been turned into a ninja zombie pirate. "Bloody hell, nyaaaargh," said Ron.

"Oh no, Ron is a ninja zombie pirate!" said Neville.

"Shut up Neville!" said Voldemort.

"Why does nobody love me?" cried Neville.

"Because you're an idiot," responded Voldemort.

"Oh, okay," said Neville.

Then Jigglypuff showed up. "Jiggly, jigglypuff!" it said, which translated roughly to, 'I know how to cure him, all I have to do is show him lots and lots of Jiggly love and immediately he will be transformed back into the redheaded 'bloody hell' saying nitwit that you all know and love!'

And so Jigglypuff hugged Ron the ninja zombie pirate, who continued saying Nyaaargh.

Then Jigglypuff was killed in a rather tragic accident involving two bowls of rice pudding, a giraffe, and an undetermined amount of inner tubes. Tragic.

But Ron was no longer a pirate. "Bloody hell!" he said in his special way.

Then, because they hadn't gotten the thing to the place before the time, stuff happened.

Yes. Stuff happened. Lots and lots of stuff.

The End


	9. A Short Story

Harry Potter and the Wicked Witch of the West

Author's Note: Same as always.

Disclaimer: Ditto

A tornado came and destroyed Hogwarts.

Nothing was left. The castle was gone, the lake was gone, and even Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived, was gone. The boy-who-lived had been taken away from the magical land of Hogwarts to the even more magical land of Oz.

He met the wicked witch, and gave her kisses.

Ron screamed "bloody hell".

Hermione danced with a book and said "Hooray curriculum."

Voldemort appeared in drag and killed them all.

The End.


	10. Darth Sings the Blues

Author's Note: My friend Larry just fell over. Be warned, he gave me the idea for part of this story. You'll know which part. You'll know.

Disclaimer: Uhm….I'm sorry J.K. Rowling. So sorry. Please don't sue me.

One day Darth Vader randomly appeared at Hogwarts and began singing in a romantic manner to Hagrid.

"Feelings, nothing more than feelings,  
Trying to forget my feelings of love.  
Teardrops rolling down on my face,  
Trying to forget my feelings of love."

At this point Hagrid began to look slightly uncomfortable.

"Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.  
I wish I've never met you, girl;   
You'll never come again," sang Darth, holding his arms out lovingly to Hagrid, who looked more than a little repulsed.

"Feelings, wo-o-o feelings,  
Wo-o-o, feel you again in my arms…" he sang, now sitting in HAgrid's lap, his oh so sexy and raspy voice continuing on.

"Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.  
I wish I've never met you, girl;  
You'll never come again.

Feelings, feelings like I've  
Never lost you  
And feelings like I've never have you  
Again in my life.

Feelings, wo-o-o feelings,  
Wo-o-o, feelings again in my arms.  
Feelings..."

"What the heck is this all about?" said Hagrid in confusion.

"Oh, I love you sweet-haggie-waggie," said Darth Vader. "I was playing with my light saber all night long…."

"No! Don't go there!" shouted Harry as he stormed to the table. "Megx, why are you doing this again? Seriously, do you want to repulse the audience?"

Hagrid and Darth Vader began to make out.

Harry sighed. "Yes. Of course you do, don't you?"

Then an insane cackle was heard and Megx' friend Larry appeared.

"Crap. The other one is here again," said Harry.

"Oh yes," Megx replied.

"Boingy boingy boingy," said Larry.

"I like walrus shaped pineapples!" said Megx.

Then Dumbledore and McGonagall began macking on each other.

"NOOOOOOOO! Don't even think about it!" said Harry. "That……is…..even….more……disgusting…..than…..me….and………..Snape." Harry shuddered.

"What's wrong with me?" said Snape, running a hand through his greasy locks as tendrils of slime trailed from his hands.

"Agh, just shove a banana up his tai…."

"Wait, do you realize how they're going to interpret that?" said Megx.

"Oh. Bugger it all," said Larry. "Nyaargh."

"What am I doing?" said Megx in a rare burst of sanity.

"Whatever the hell you want!" said Larry.

"Oh right!" said Megx brightly.

Then she made McGonagall and Dumbledore make out.

Then everybody in the room vomited. Including some members of the audience I'm sure.

"Okay then," said Megx, uncertain of where the hell she was going with this chapter.

Larry laughed.

Megx shook her head as Larry burst into his rendition of 'Badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers badgers MUSHROOM MUSHROOM!'

Then Darth Vader and Hagrid decided to elope to a galaxy far far away…..called Las Vegas. They were married by an Elvis impersonator with visible pit stains who lived with a pit bull called Charlie and seven wives. Why? Because I said so.

Then the Wicked Witch of the West appeared and was killed.

And…..duh duh duh DUUUUUGH! It's time for another appearance from the Waffle Iron of DOOM! who will be performing a moving interpretive dance.

Everybody watched as the Waffle Iron of DOOM! danced.

Then monkeys ate the badger infested world of kamikaze lesbian vampire robot strippers and the world ended with a nice kaboom!

The End. And Thank God for it.


	11. Sailor Snape

**Author's Note: **I know it's been a while. I've been doing stuff that actually matters for a while. Sorry about that.

**Disclaimer: **Yeah, yeah yeah. You get it.

One morning Snape appeared in class dressed up as Sailor Moon.

"WTF man!" said Harry. "Is Snape dressed up as a sailor scout?" he muttered in confusion. "Could you possibly see anything worse than that?"

"Yes," Hermione replied. "Draco Malfoy dressed up as Faye Valentine."

"Like that would ever happen!" laughed Harry.

Then Draco walked in in a short yellow vinyl pair of hotpants with stiletto boots and thigh-high hosiery.

"Oh dear God," said Harry.

"Are you trying to upstage me, Mr. Malfoy?" said Snape, shaking his bum girlishly.

"No sir, not at all," said Draco in his most seductive voice.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron.

"Is this dress up as your favorite anime character day or something?" said Hermione.

"Actually…" said Harry, randomly coming across a Dress Up as your Favorite Anime Character Day flyer that had been handed out the day before and for some reason he hadn't gotten it.

Then Neville walked in dressed as Jigglypuff. "Jiiiiiiglllypuuuuuuff…." He sang.

Harry slapped him.

Then Draco bitchslapped Harry.

Then Harry left the room so he could get dressed up as his favorite anime character.

When he came back, he was wearing a long red coat, glasses, and a hat. "Who are you?" asked Hermione.

"I'm Alucard, from Hellsing."

"Whatever."

Then Hermione left the room and came back dressed as Mr. Bean.

"That's not an anime character!" said Harry.

Hermione mumbled.

Harry did a spell to try and turn her anime but only succeeded into turning her costume into yet another incarnation of Black Adder.

"It's not dress as your favorite Rowan Atkinson day!" said Harry, turning her into Kagome.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron, who was now dressed up as Miroku. Ron then grabbed Hermione's ass. Hermione slapped him.

Then Dumbledore appeared, dressed as Vash. "How are you kids?" he said happily, eating a donut.

"Why, great professor!" everybody replied. "What are you here for?"

"Nothing but…"

Okay kids, say it with me…

"LOVE AND PEACE!"

Oh. Like you weren't expecting it.

Then Snape got tired of everybody being distracted from him dressed as Sailor Moon and began to do the hokey pokey.

Everybody turned themselves around.

Then Voldemort appeared… in a curly blonde wig and sparkly pink heels.

"What anime character is that?" asked Dumbledore.

"None. I just like dressing this way," he hissed.

Then Yoda appeared dressed as Pikachu, humped Draco's leg saying "Your daddy is who," then began making out with Voldemort.

"This story is better than crack!" said Lord Larry, sitting next to Megx in the computer lab.

"Oh yeah…." She responded, stroking the Waffle Iron of Doom! on it's doomy head.

"Good thing we didn't go with the Michael Jackson idea." Larry said.

Megx sighed, wondering at the marvelous things she could have done….as the general public fell to their knees thanking Lord Larry for keeping her from doing such an awful thing.


	12. Megx and Lord Larry's Excellent Adventur

The Last Chapter Before the BIG RELEASE

Megx sat in Lord Larry's apartment, writing on the computer as Lord Larry's girlfriend Heather sat on the couch playing Mortal Kombat. Lord Larry was in the kitchen cooking.

Harry Potter randomly appeared and slapped Megx. "You're supposed to be writing about me!" he said in irritation.

"What's wrong now, Harry? You're always bitching about something! First it's me putting you in drag, then it's all of the innuendo about Snape wanting to make you his man boy slave. It's getting really annoying!" Megx sighed and shook her head. "And now you _want_ me to put you in the story. What's next, you're going to be complaining about the fact that you haven't had any raunchy sex scenes with Ginny yet?"

"Well, now that you mention it…"

"No, absolutely not!" Megx said. "If you have any raunchy sex scenes, they're most certainly not going to be with a _girl!_ I can't have the Yummy HP Slash C2 up in arms about the fact that I'm writing you straight for a change."

"But I am straight!" said Harry huffily. "As if you didn't know. JKR, the REAL author of Harry Potter, wrote me that way."

"So you're not in character? Big frickin deal, Harry. Get over it."

Lord Larry began chuckling maniacally.

"And you're not helping!" Harry said. "I thought you were a fan!"

"I'm a fan," said Megx. "I love you Harry, don't you understand?"

"Understand what? That your favorite pastime is having Snape in drag hitting on me all the damned time?"

"No, don't you understand why I'm doing this? It's them." Megx pointed to the computer screen. "Out there, on the Internet. They're reading this story, they're reviewing it. It's because of them that I continue writing this. Because they like seeing you and Snape and all of the Harry Potter characters in all their perverse glory."

"What?" Harry shook his head. "Well, if it's they're fault….then they will pay." So saying, he pulled out his wand and used a spell to magically enter himself into the Internet, while Megx watched in curiosity.

"Okay…" Megx said. "That was interesting." Then, thinking for a second, she realized something. "HE'S GOING TO KILL ALL OF MY FANS! MY SWEET, PREEECCCIIIIOOOOUSSSSS FANSSSSSSSSSSSS!"

So she grabbed Lord Larry and they went into the computer themselves, even though they had no apparent ability to do so.

"First on my list….Psychotic Death."

"Oh no, you don't, Harry Potter," said Megx. "We'll stop you…with SNAPE POWER!"

Snape suddenly appeared out of nowhere. "Potter, you bastard," he hissed, while groping Harry.

"Noooooo!" Harry screamed, running for it while Snape chased after him, hurling insults in the meantime.

A few moments later, he came upon the computer of one Mocka. "All right, I'll get this one!" he said.

Lord Larry then pulled a mallet out of nowhere and hit Harry on the head with it. "Note the Ranma ½ reference, people!" he said gleefully.

"This is getting ridiculous! What next, are you going to stop me with Voldemort in drag?"

And of course, the moment he said that Voldemort appeared, wearing…..

Yes….

You know what he's wearing….

A blonde curly wig and pink sparkly heels.

"Damn your predictability!" said Harry.

Then Yoda appeared and he and Voldemort went to the nearby Ramada to get a room.

"Cheap rates are for one hour only," said Yoda as they made their way there gleefully.

Next was the computer of Pandora Markku, who was sitting there sipping an IBC Cream Soda (unless you prefer something else, considering that I don't know you). "I'll KILL you for making me suffer like this!" said Harry, whipping out his wang…I mean wand, definitely wand. snickers

But before Harry could do anything a mysterious figure in a black cloak appeared. "Harry, I am the half-blood prince," the figure said.

"What?" Harry said. "What is this? Who are you?"

Then the figure whipped off the cloak. It was Draco Malfoy in a pair of sparkly pink shorts. "LET'S DISCO!"

Then the floor turned into a giant disco floor and the Star Wars Techno song started playing, while Draco began dancing with Pandora Markku. Meanwhile, Megx had appeared and Harry had run away out of pure terror.

Finally deciding that he'd had enough, he ran to Hogwarts and into the Room of Requirement, where Ginny was sitting on a sofa looking very, very sexy.

"Ginny, what is this?" he said.

"I've been waiting Harry, for a very very long time," she said.

"Wha?"

"I need you, now,"

"Hubba hubba," said Harry, drooling.

Then Megx whipped off her Ginny mask and threw a giant net over Harry.

"Noooooooooo!" Harry cried. "Okay, okay, you've won! You've woooooooooon!"

"Yessss," Megan said.

Then, out of nowhere, Napoleon Dynamite appeared….and I don't know why.

"Flippin' sweet," he said.

Then he started dancing. Then Lord Larry started dancing. Then Megx forced Harry to start dancing. Then Megx herself started dancing.

Then it was time to go get her new Harry Potter book, and Megx was so happy she started to cry.

"You're crying?" Harry said in shock. "Then….you really do love me!"

Immediately Megx made Michael Jackson appear.

"Nope. It appears I was wrong."

The End


	13. Megx and Lord Larry RETURN

1**Of Randomness, Rowling, and Robots**

**Author's Note: **I'm back. Congratulations! I'm here to began stealing your sanity, so that I may use it to care for the gremlins in my pants. If you're wondering why I'm finally writing again, you can take one of two options. Either I went crazy and began stalking J.K. Rowling after the release of the last book, or I was romping in a field of daisies with cute little puppy dogs with the sound of laughing children on the air.

Yeah, I agree with you. That daisies and puppies and children story is pretty frightening.

**Disclaimer: **If I wrote the Harry Potter series I think I'd have Draco be abducted by an octopus and taken to the murky depths of the ocean.

Megx sat in her dark corner, curled up in the fetal position and rocking back and forth. "Cant...believe...killed him...Snape...Dumbledore..." she whimpered and pressed herself firmly up against the wall.

Suddenly the door opened, and light fell on the piritable figure. She hissed, blocking the light from her eyes. "Megx?" a familiar voice called. Sensing Lord Larry's presence, she lifted her head slightly. Then she began to stand, her undernourished figure clad in jeans and a worn Harry Potter t-shirt, with a tattered velvet cloak around her shoulders.

"Come on, Megx...step into the light..." said Lord Larry, extending his hand to her.

"Never..." she hissed, staring at his proferred palm with suspicion.

"You can't hide from it forever, Megx," Lord Larry said. "You have to face facts. Snape killed Dumbledore. He's dead."

"No! I refuse to believe it! Everything is wrong..."

"There's a reason for everything, you must trust J. K. Rowling..."

"SSSS..." Megx recoiled at her name. "Traitor! How dare she!" She moved from her corner now, clenching her fists. "I thought she cared for us, her beloved fans. But...LIES! All LIES!"

"Calm down, take it easy...it's been a year since the book came out and you've been holed up in here ever since. You're getting worked up..."

"Nyah! Of course I am! Such horror..." Megx sighed deeply and dropped to her knees.

Lord Larry grabbed her arm and pulled her up. "Just come with me, Megx, into the light..."

She allowed him to lead her out of the darkened room. "It burns...burns..." she mumbled, her head drooping.

"It'll be all right, all right..." Lord Larry said. "There'll be another book soon, the last one...it has to end well, right?"

Megx froze. "Last book...end..." she raised her head. "Yes! It will have a good ending..."

"Good! You're being optimistic..." but then he saw a smile come over Megx' face and a dark glint come into her eyes. "Megx..."

"...a very good ending..."

"I don't like that look."

"Get ready, Lord Larry! We're going to Britain!"

"Oh...my...God..." Lord Larry shook his head. "You aren't going to do what I think you're going to do are you?"

"Probably. You in?"

"Well...my girlfriend probably wouldn't want me going off on such a long trip..."

"Psssh. What do you think I am, an amateur? Oh Hezzer! Here girl! Pictures of cute guys in boxer-briefs!"

Heather appeared out of nowhere and grabbed the pictures (which Megx just happened to have.) "Ooh...gimme, gimme!" she said in excitement.

"That'll hold her for a while," snickered Megx. "You aren't threated, are you Lord Larry?"

"Nope. I'm secure in my manhood."

"Good. Then you won't mind wearing this," she said, pulling out a pink leather miniskirt and a black t-shirt with 'Princess' written across the front.

"...not that secure."

"Then how about the sequined tube tup?"

"...no."

"What if I gave you five million dollars?"

"...show me the money."

Megx handed Lord Larry a suitcase containing the aforementioned amount. Larry sighed.

"So, this is part of the plan, right?" asked Lord Larry as he squeezed into the tube top.

"Not really."

"What!" Lord Larry stopped and the stretchy fabric snapped, slapping him in the face. "Then...why?"

"Because it amuses me."

"...I hate you."

"No, you don't. You love me. You have to, or you'll never get the antidote."

"Curse you Megx!"

"Muahahahahah!" she laughed sinisterly.

"Yeah, yeah...well, what is this plan of yours to get us to Britain?"

"Hmmmm...didn't think of that...how good of a swimmer are you?"

"Are you proposing we swim the Atlantic?" Lord Larry said cautiously.

"Megx laughed. "Yeah, right, like that makes any sense."

Lord Larry let out a sigh of relief. "Good, because you were making me nervous there for a second..."

"Silly boy," Megx said. "All right, then let's head for the Pacific."

"All right...huh? What?"

"Yeah, we need to get to the Pacific, swim all the way to Russia (we'll cross over from Alaska) and then we'll trek down to Japan and play with Mr. Miyamato's Wii. Then we'll travel back across the sea, this time rowed in ships by hefty Siberian women, through Asia and then into India where we'll star in a Bollywood musical. Then we'll hijack a pair of donkeys and name them George and Jorge, attach rockets stolen from terrorists to them and go quickly through the Middle East. Then we'll go through Europe, stopping in France to write 'So Dark the Cow of Man' on the Mona Lisa and eat various smelly cheeses. From there we'll hop a flight to Dallas, where we'll drive to my house and use the teleportation device I keep in my underwear drawer to get there."

"Uhm...Megx?"

"Yes?"

"We're already in your house. There's your drawers over there."

"Well...that makes things a little bit easier." Megx frowned.

Lord Larry sighed. "What's wrong?" he asked.

"I wanted rocket-powered donkeys."

"We'll see about it when we get to Britain."

"And we can name them George? And Jorge?"

"What else would we name them?"

"Whee!" cried Megx in joyous ecstasy.

"Don't you mean Wii?" Lord Larry jested, thinking himself a particularly clever lad.

"Not unless you want your boy-parts attacked."

"Huh?" he said, stepping away.

"By a mountain lion," Megx continued.

"What?" he said, stepping away even further.

"A feminist mountain lion whose man did her wrong."

"YiiiIIIiiiipe..."

"So anyway, how about that transportation device?" Megx said, reaching into her drawer and pulling out a kitten.

"Is that it?" asked Lord Larry.

"No, it's a Subliminal Space Kitten. DUCK!" she said, throwing it across the room as it meowed and exploded.

"Holy Crap!" shouted Lord Larry.

"Huh? When did the Vatican begin blessing turds?"

"It was after a particularly long ride in the Popemobile," said the Pope, who until this moment had been hiding in Megx' closet.

"I...really don't want to know," said Megx.

"What's wrong? Everybody poops!"

"Mr. Pope, I am so not interested in you Blessed Bms."

The Pope frowned. "Why can't we be friends?"

"We can," said Megx, "if you don't mind being friends with a Harry Potter loving Pagan liberal lesbian who is most definitely the granddaughter of a primate named Tinkles.'

The Pope stared at Megx for a moment. "I'll pass," he said as he stepped back into the closet. "Knock if you want to know all the scoop on the Pope's poop."

Lord Larry frowned. "Will he be okay in there?" he asked finally.

"Sure. There's no reason he and the penguins can't live in harmony."

"You keep penguins in your closet?"

"Sure. I use them for Dance Dance Revolution practice."

"Not even going to ask."

"Pineapple!" shouted Megx.

"Okay, there's such a thing as being too random. Maybe you have Tourette's..." as he said this a random pineapple fell upon his cranium.

"Told ya'!"

"Are we going to Britain or not?" he finally asked.

"Sure. I just need to find that teleportation device." She reached into her drawer and pulled out the Waffle Iron of DOOM! "I keep it here when I'm not using it," she said as she tossed it aside, where it began rampaging through the village and turning people into waffles. Mmmmm. Waffle people."

"Ah, here we go!" said Megx, pulling from the drawer a large wooly sheep.

"Are you telling me that this sheep is a teleportation device?"

"And a floatation device! Want to know how you inflate it?"

"No."

"Whatever. To Britain, Patricia!" The world began to shimmer and then everything went dark. After several long moments the light began to return, and they found themselves in an ornately decorated room with a British flag on the wall. "Where are we?" asked Lord Larry.

Then all of a sudden the sound of "My Humps" filled the room and the Queen entered, shaking her bum to the beat.

"Aagh!" said Megx and Lord Larry in unison.

"Patricia, not here! The Queen is getting her royal groove on and it scares me!"

They teleported again, this time arriving in a long hallway. Stepping off the sheep, they went down the hall and stopped at a door numbered 7583759737858737898478489nvne47388383pineapple.

Megx tapped twice, knocked once, tapped again, slapped a giraffe and did the hokey pokey (and turned herself around). A moment passed and the door opened into darkness.

"Mistress Megx, I am pleased to see you've made the journey safely," said a familiar voice with typical iciness.

"Snape, I trust that the council has remained busy in my absence?"

"Potter, as always, has been a problem. But in the end I believe a good hard spanking was all that needed."

"Eew. I mean good...good." Megx then ascended a high stair and sat atop her throne. "Everybody, please be seated."

The group was quite diverse. Harry, Hermione, and Ron sat off to one side together, Snape sat near Megx, and Voldemort (looking quite fetching in a curly blonde wig and sparkly pink heels) and Draco in his sequined green short-shorts sat close at hand. Hagrid and Darth Vader held hands and canoodled, Yoda was groping Snape, and the Waffle Iron of DOOM! was near. Lord Larry sat at Megx' side, though his throne was situated an exact inch lower than hers, because Megx is the author and therefore more important.

"Let the council begin!" said Megx. "Shall we explain to the newcomer the purpose of this assembly?"

"I will do so," said Harry, standing. "We were founded by Megx, upon the evening that Sirius Black fell through the veil. Though some didn't care about Sirius," Harry said, glaring at Snape, "it was revealed to us that the original author, one J.K. Rowling, had an unpredictable nature which could prove detrimental to any one of us. We needed a plan to prevent such things from happening.

"We were, of course, too late to save our beloved Dumbledore. But now our forces have the power to prevent such a future occurrence."

Megx sighed, tapping her fingers on her armrest. "The question is, how do we do this?"

"Interfere we must not," said Yoda. "Their natural course these must take. Sweet love we must make instead."

"Of course YOU can say that!" Harry said. "You're not even part of our world. But they're saying she's going to kill me off in the end!"

"What a pity," said Snape sarcastically, as he eyed Harry like a sweet little piece of boy-candy. "At least you haven't been cast in the role of murderer."

"Well...you did murder him," said Voldemort.

"And?" Snape spat. "You've murdered a lot more people than I have!"

"But I do it with style, honey," Voldemort hissed back, running his creepily long fingers through his luxurious (fake) golden locks.

"...creepy. Anyway, I had a thought," said Lord Larry. "Why don't we storm the place, take J.K. Rowling hostage, and force her to write the story we want?"

"Brilliant!" said Megx. "Everybody, pretend that was my idea."

"Genius, Megx!" said Harry.

"A Goddess you are," said Yoda, trying to grope her and failing.

"But it was my idea," said Lord Larry sadly.

"Did you patent it?"

"Drat!'

"Now to do this right, we must do some research," said Megx.

"Hooray curriculum!" said Hermione.

"Bloody hell!" said Ron.

"Everybody must do as I tell them. You, find the blueprints to her house. You, secure a double-decker bus. You, gather weapons. You, get duct tape. And you, Draco...bring me my pudding." Megx ordered.

There all scurried away, except for Draco, who discoed away. "Lord Larry, I have a special assignment for you."

"Yes?"

"The donkeys. Don't forget the rockets."

Within an hour everybody was ready. All wore the yellow Kill Bill jumpsuit and held katanas ready in their hands. They quickly boarded the bus, and just as quickly got of f because the radio was stuck on the twenty-four hour Celine Dion station. Well, Snape like it, but he got off too because he didn't want to seem queer or anything.

So instead, everybody climbed on top of Patricia, the teleporting sheep, and headed off to J.K. Rowlings mansion.

All was quiet when they arrived. They crept through the place with great speed and skills, until they arrived at a room labeled 'Jo's Office'.

"Here's the place," whispered Megx. Then she held up her fingers, and on three they all rushed in.

"What is this?" J.K. Rowling said, holding a dart in midair and aiming at several pictures of Harry Potter characters. The pictures of Dumbledore and Sirius had large black lines across them.

"We're taking over, Jo," said Megx. "You're not killing anybody else off. Well, except Voldemort. You kind of have to."

"I don't care, as long as I go out with style," he said with a flamboyant flick of the wrist.

"Oh, and you can kill Draco."

"What did I do?" whined Draco.

"You forgot my pudding."

"Poo."

"Anyway, sorry about this Jo," said Megx as she began duct taping her into her chair and in front of her computer.

Meanwhile, Lord Larry was rummaging. "Hey, what's this?" he said suddenly. He held out a file to Megx titled Secrets Revealed in Book Seven.

"Oooh...interesting."

"Erm...not really. Just a little research."

"Hooray curriculum!"

"Shut up Hermione!" said Harry.

"All right, what's in here," said Megx.

"Secret one...Voldemort is Richard Nixon's long lost brother."

"Twins, actually," Voldemort said. "HE was the evil one."

"Secret two...Snape has a tattoo of a kitten in a field of daisies on his other forearm."

"Really?" said Harry with a grin.

Snape snarled. "A stupid mistake I made on a trip to Ireland in my seventh year. Got into a drinking contest with a leprechaun."

"Secret three...Ron is Harry's grandfather."

"What?" said Harry in confusion.

"Yeah...says here that Ron goes back in time to rescue something of Dumbledore's...not sure if it's pimple or pineapple...gets with a muggle woman married to a guy named Jacob Evans, who has a daughter, who has Harry."

"Bloody hell!" cried Ron.

"So...like, Ginny's my great-aunt or something?" Harry said uncomfortably.

"Yes."

"Excuse me. I need to take a shower."

"Secret four...Yoda is humping Megx' leg right now." Megx looked down to see the little green guy on her leg. "Hey!"

"Your daddy is who? Your daddy is who?"

"Secret five...Hagrid and Darth Vader will magically have a child and name her Wilson."

"What a nice name," said Darth Vader, rubbing his pregnant belly. "If we have a girl, we'll call her that. And for short we can call her little Willy..."

"Secret six...George and Jorge, the rocket-powered donkeys, will defeat Voldemort with the aid of Patricia, the teleporting sheep."

"I never wrote that!" said J.K.Rowling.

"I added it in...so what say you, Jo? Will you give in to our demands?"

"No...you shall listen to MY demands, for I am holding your precious Lord Larry hostage! Muahahahahahahahahaha!"

"Nooooooooooooooooooo! Huh? But HE'S Lord Larry," said Megx, pointing to the anime nerd on her left.

"Are you certain it is he? Or have you not noticed he hasn't been very funny in this story?"

"What?" Megx turned to Fake Lord Larry and frowned. "Lord Larry, be funny!" said Megx.

"What...uhhh...chicken...bologna...tuna? I know...Wii!"

As Fake Lord Larry said this, the feminist mountain lion whose man did her wrong was released from her cage. She pounced at Fake Lord Larry's nether regions, revealing machinery beneath that clearly identified him as a robot.

"Egads!" said Megx. "He's not the real one! What have you done with him?"

"Release me, and I shall take you to him..."

But before Megx could loosen her bonds, there was a loud flush and the REAL Lord Larry exited the bathroom.

"Lord Larry!"

"BADGERS!"

"Mushroom. SNAKE!"

"Stick a banana in his tailpipe."

"Wii?"

"The bathrooms over there."

"WHEE!"

With J.K. Rowlings plot foiled, the council (with newly reinstated REAL Lord Larry) forced J.K. Rowling to write the bestest book ever.

And so she did...unfortunately it was a book on penguin anatomy. The last Harry Potter book is still a long way away, and even the council can't make her write any faster.

So instead they all went with Patricia, George and Jorge to the lost city of Atlantis and did a merry jig.

And then they exploded.

THE END


	14. O Fortuna

**O Fortuna**

**Author's Note:** Long has it been since I last wrote on this site, but I have returned, my children, to spin a tale to chill you deep. A tale of penguins, and pokemon, and other such things. Listen, and listen well, for this is the tale…

**Disclaimer:** If I were a rich woman I would, perhaps, be the owner of this particular grouping of characters. But I am poor, very very poor, my toes are cold, and I wish to slap you with a giant panda named Phil.

The silence…the silence was eating him alive.

"I have this feeling," said Harry, "that something is coming."

"I sense it too," said Ron. "Bloody hell, what could it be?"

"The wheels of fate are turning, beloved friends," said Hermione. She turned her face to the impenetrable darkness that surrounded them. "It is within, waiting…watching."

Their voices fell, and once more all was covered in the black and cold. The air seemed to tremble with the very knowledge of that which was coming, creeping ever closer, the grotesque consciousness that slithered into their sanctified realm. "I am afraid, and I can't understand why. I have entered into the darkness, I have reached into its infinite chasm, and brought us to this forsaken place."

"The Deathly Hallows," whispered Hermione. "A frightening name, but I almost get the sense that…that we are no longer in control of our destiny."

"No longer…oh dear God." Harry stiffened, extending his wand. "I think I understand…yes, yes, I do know…not much longer, and she…"

"Do you dread my presence, oh hero?" whispered the narrator. Out of the shadows a girl appeared, a girl who was so much older than the age of sixteen when first she took in hand the strings of that boy's fate. She stared intently, blue eyes like ice, fingers flying over QWERTY as she spun new threads.

"Megx, you whore!" Harry raged. "How dare you come unto me now! This is not your realm, cyber-bitch! Be gone!"

"Oh, but it is. I am a fan fiction writer, Harry. That disclaimer," she tapped the top of her computer screen, "that says I can do with you what I will, so long as I do not claim you as my own. But do not be afraid." Megx laughed quietly. "Aren't we going to have fun, Harry? Face it, I am the master of your fortune."

"This doesn't seem right, Harry," said Hermione. "It's not her usual silly, harmless weirdness. I can say things other than, 'Hooray Curriculum,' and Ron is actually using entire sentences that only slightly contain the words bloody hell."

"W-what about that Lord Larry bloke? He was always reasonable," said Ron in desperation.

"Oh no, Lord Larry can't help you now. He's quite far away. No, this little spurt of invention, inspiration is all my own and you, lucky fellows, get to experience it with me…"

The trio screamed and fell to the ground as purple fire erupted from the earth near the spot they'd been standing in, spiraling and arcing to form a gateway. Harry leapt to his feet, crouching ferally at a distance, heart clenching when he saw the form that emerged. "Great greasy murdering bastard," he hissed. "Megx, you have done nothing against me! I will kill this beast and have him gone from the earth," he laughed with a great deal of bitterness.

"Oh, really?" said the authoress. "And…perhaps you'd change your tune if Snape suddenly realized his love for you?"

At that statement Snape's eyes widened, falling upon the boy he'd despised for so long and finding in him a man he found quite delicious. "I will destroy you, Potter, and then you will be mine. Or perhaps it won't be in that order, but at any rate you are one yummy little morsel."

"Raaagghghhghhhhhheeeerrrrrrrgggg….." Harry screamed in gutteral anguish. "You can never have me, Snape! I am straight, and I will not die!"

"And I'll just have to change both of those things," said Snape, lunging forth and engaging Harry in a highly suggestive duel.

Ron and Hermione both began to rush forward to help their friend, but were stopped when they suddenly appeared on a brightly lit stage. "What's just happened?" Hermione said. "Where are we?"

"On Broadway, baby!" lisped Draco as the curtains parted to reveal him standing atop a podium in his usual sparkly shorts, rubbing his hands over his chalky white (and baby oiled) body. "And guess what? You're my bitches! Now let's dance!"

Music began to play and, though their minds were unwilling, the narrator's curse forced them to start dancing along, stripping out of their robes and revealed to be wearing black corsets, fishnets and high-heels. "I am the least sexy chorus girl ever!" Ron cried, tears rolling down his face as he performed a breathtaking pirouette.

"I, for some reason, find you more attractive this way!" cried Hermione, suddenly questioning herself as she had never done before. "What is wrong with me!"

"What your mama gave you shake you will!" shouted a thousand Yodas watching in the audience, as two thousand identical eyes glued themselves to Draco's glistening buns.

"Oh God, even I feel dirty after that last line," said Megx to herself, then shrugged.

Meanwhile, Harry was fighting for his life, and apparently his virginity. With a breathtaking swiftness he avoided the curse Snape sent his way and mirrored it. The blow was fatal. Snape slumped sickeningly to the ground, turning white. Harry kicked his wand away from him and tucked his own safely into his sweater, kneeling beside the traitor. "What have you to say now?" he taunted, though the image of the dying man was enough to dull the sting in his words.

"N-nothing…nothing to say," Snape croaked. "Just…just…want…important…impor…" his voice fading, Harry reluctantly began to lean forward. "Idiot," Snape croaked, grabbing Harry by the collar and pulling him down for one last, amazing, juicy kiss.

Harry jerked away as Snape died with a final spasm, rubbing furiously at his mouth, then pausing a moment later to say, "Not bad."

Over on Broadway, Ron and Hermione were working up a sweat as they shook and shimmied. "We need to upstage Draco," said Hermione. "He'd never let us stay if we were getting all the attention," Hermione whispered as she crossed paths with Ron.

"Maybe you could give the Yodas a show?" said Ron as they met again.

"Like what?" hissed Hermione the next time.

"Like that magic trick you did at Mardi Gras," said Ron, eyeing her boobs pointedly.

"I am not doing that!" she squawked. "Show em' yours!"

"I haven't got any!" Ron sputtered.

Hermione pulled out her wand and cast a spell from across the stage.

"Do now!" she said, as Ron teetered off-balance thanks to the newfound weight on his chest.

"Oh, brilliant," he murmured unenthusiastically, as he prepared to do something that would make him weep for repentance for the rest of his life.

Back at the Deathly Hallows, Harry was watching the flaming purple gate. He had sensed something from beyond, and now he could see the glimmer of something as it began to emerge.

Voldemort slinked out of the darkness, shaking his wig of blonde curls and clicking the heels of his sparkly pink stilettos against the ground. "This is how your world ends, Potter. Alone. Cold. Dead."

"Think again!" shouted Ron and Hermione, bursting forth from nowhere. Voldemort swiveled and his eyes immediately fell upon Ron.

"Are those real?" he squealed.

Ron glanced down and, turning beet-red, covered his bosoms and screeched like a little girl. "How dare you!" he screamed.

"Screw Potter!" Voldemort hissed. "That is the most perfect rack that I have ever seen. Give me your boobies, you stupid silly boy."

"Erm…if I do, will you not kill us all?" said Ron.

Voldemort rolled his eyes. "Don't any of you understand? I started all this to gain ultimate power, in search of the best knockers that magic could create. And those are hella tight. Playboy material."

"I don't know…"

"Ron," whispered Hermione, "just give them to him, all right?"

"Whatever," Ron said, popping them off with a weird squelchy noise and handing them over. Voldemort giggled happily and skipped off, talking to himself about that gorgeous strapless dress at Macy's that he could now wear, and fantasizing about going to Victoria's Secret.

"Hmm," said Harry. "That was rather odd. But you know, nothing truly horrible actually happened to us. I'm quite surprised."

Then out of nowhere the giant Monty Python foot came down and squashed them.

**_The End_**


	15. I Meant for this Chapter to Be Here

As the Last Shadow Fades

Author's Note: I am Megx. Expect the unexpected.

Disclaimer: I would love to hear JKR's reaction if she ever read this fic. I would love to hear what her lawyers would have to say if I ever claimed that all the characters were mine and I was going to sell this story for millions and millions of dollars.

It was a quiet night.

Souls entwined by an adverse destiny looked out into the night, hearts filled with the promise of beginnings even though their spirits were chained with the heavy weights of the past. One by one these souls said prayers to all that lay beyond, and as their hushed whispers faded once more to silence they turned away, back to pain and darkness, where only the faint memory of that moonlit night sustained them.

Remus Lupin was at the window of his small stone cottage, watching a young woman as she slept. 'How could I deserve this?' he thought. She was obscured by the shadows, but he could still see the curve of her cheek and the wisp of strawberry hair that fluttered by her lips, the arc of delicate fingers that rested by her face. He sat down in a chair facing the bed, watching her for long minutes. Her eyes opened finally, and she rose to her elbow.

"Can't you sleep, Remus?"

"I suppose I can't. There's something in the wind, tonight. The scent of change."

Far away, a man and woman were seated comfortably before a roaring fire. The flames crackled as a gust of wind blew through an open window, and the man stood to close it. "The scent of change."

"Mmm?" the woman murmured questioningly.

"That's what my father used to call it when you can smell the moving air. A cold night like this, when the wind is forced from the deepest forests and highest mountains."

"I never knew your father was quite that poetic, Arthur," said Molly, looking up from her knitting and smiling at her husband.

"He wasn't. I think it was from a poem he taught himself at Hogwarts. Used it to flirt with cute older witches."

Molly laughed quietly. "Certainly was clever, wasn't he? Not nearly as clever as his son, I'd wager. I can still remember those days, Arthur. You'd think that after all that's happened, perhaps there'd be a shadow on those old memories, but I almost feel that remembering them in the same bright way I always have makes it possible to keep going through all this darkness. I want our children to know what it is to have some light in their lives."

In a manor in Scotland, a woman was pacing a library with deliberation, hands crossed at her waist. She was in a dark green dressing gown and her usual tightly-wound bun was undone, causing her to look less like a stodgy professor and more like the weary older woman that she was. "How can any young person feel light in their life in such an unforgiving world?" she said, her voice uncommonly wavering.

For the first time in her life, Minerva McGonagoll felt helpless. Always before in her life she had felt the influence of Hogwarts as a constant. It had been her faith—as long as the doors opened every fall and young minds came to learn in its hallowed halls it didn't matter how desperate the affairs of the world were. It had seemed that hope had existed no matter the shadows that befell mankind. But Hogwarts would not be opening, and Minerva began to feel that perhaps, this time, the world she'd come to love was coming to an end.

"The world is ending."

"Sod off, Fred, you're being dramatic," said George.

"Then how do you explain what's going on? How can you sit there and think things are ever going to be the same again?"

"You have hope, and when all is said and done you find a way to laugh at the shadows. Remember that—they can take your life but if you don't let them they can never take your happiness."

In a small house on Privet Drive, three friends were spread out in a tiny room. "They took away my happiness. It only lasted for a moment, and it was stolen from me."

"This isn't the end, Harry." Hermione was sitting on the bed, watching him with shadowed eyes. "Once this is all over you'll be happy. We all will."

"Do you really think so? How could we, really, when so much has happened?" Harry was perched on his trunk, looking into the darkness at his friends. Their faces were illuminated by the unearthly glow of the streetlamp, casting them in a sickly orange light.

"Because if we can't be happy it means that the ones we love have lived and died in vain. There's this lovely poem by Emily Dickinson…If I can stop one heart from breaking,  
I shall not live in vain;  
If I can ease one life the aching,  
Or cool one pain,  
Or help one fainting robin  
Into his nest again,  
I shall not live in vain."

At that moment, through the shadows, the glimmer of moonlight fell on all those who fought the darkness. One by one they rose and looked back to the sky, and with a collective breath they whispered on the wind.

"I will fight, until the last shadow fades."


	16. The Horrible Snacktime Club

Harry Potter and the Dorky Dorkiness

Author's Note: Sorry about the last chapter. Didn't mean to ruin your weirdness-high with that random bit of seriousness. But…well, honestly, I wanted to see how you would react to something like that. It's just how I am. But isn't that why you love me? (Or hate me, depending on why you're reading this story.) Oy, and Lord Larry of course has made his return, because he was being all whiny about his non-inclusion in the last chapter.

Disclaimer: Ditto ditto ditto.

Megan was lying on her couch, staring at the ceiling and cursing her inability to write something decent, for a change. She was nineteen, a few months away from twenty, and appeared to be a perfectly normal girl of that age. Random thoughts crossed through her brain but she swished them away, leaving them to huddle in the corner and murmur disgruntled amongst themselves. She felt a pang of unease, thinking about the last serious thing she had written, irritated that some strange desire to be, well, strange, had caused her to post that serious writing in a must unusual place.

Flicking away mental images of Snape line-dancing in a hula skirt, she settled back in and attempted to plot the story that stood foremost in her mind. But she sat upright suddenly when something moved nearby, and swiveling she caught in her sight a girl almost identical appearance, except for the half-finished rabbit costume the other wore.

"You aren't supposed to be here! I banished you, remember?" said Megan in frustration.

"Oh, Megx, haven't you learned anything? You can't get rid of me…you are me."

"I refuse to believe that!" said Megan, shoving her fingers in her ears and squinching her face up tight.

"There, there," sighed Megx, patting Megan on the arm soothingly. "I'm very proud of you," said Megx, "that last chapter. I guess I can't help you writing serious drivel, but at least you did something unconstructive with it."

Megan's hands fell away and she gasped. "It was you!" she said in shock. "You're making me do things like that!"

Megx' hands shot up in defense. "Oof! Yep, you got me." She grinned toothily. "But you gotta admit, it felt pretty damn good."

"Argh!" yelped Megan.

"Well, if you're going to be so whiny about it, I brought somebody to help." As Megan said that the door opened and a familiar friend stood there.

"Larry!" squeaked Megan. "You're here! Mr. Psychology Major Man! You can help me! I've been having these weird…weird…" Megan's voice fell away as her friend crabwalked into the room in imitation of Zoidberg from Futurama.

"Wrong! It's LORD Larry!" said Megx gleefully.

"Oh Jesus," said Megan. "I need my SANITY right now!"

"Sanity is overrated!" said Lord Larry chipperly. Megan hung her head, and Megx began stroking her hair.

"Oh, don't feel bad. Psychosis can be fun!"

"Aw, shut up," murmured Megan, fading away to become nothing more than Megx's link to sanity, deep in the back of the girl's brain.

"Thought I'd never get rid of her," said Megx with a roll of her eyes. "So, whaddya wanna do now?" she said.

"Torture Harry?" Lord Larry suggested.

"Rock on!" said Megx.

When Megx started writing, Harry was hovering on his broomstick, leering in lustfully. "What'cha doing?" said Megx loudly in his ear, causing him to scream and fall to the ground below. She floated down gracefully, landing beside where he was sprawled on the ground, Lord Larry looking at him with curiosity.

"What happened?" Lord Larry asked.

"He was watching Ginny dance around naked to old Spice Girls albums," said Megx.

"I….she….was not!" Harry managed, turning red.

"Oh, come off it. Everybody dances around naked to music. And usually there's somebody spying on them while they do it, whether they know it or not. I personally enjoy dancing to J-Pop. And you Lord Larry?"

"Star Wars soundtrack."

Megx stared at Lord Larry. "I don't know whether to be horrified more that that's your music of choice, or by the fact that your fiancé probably likes it."

"Come on, it can't be that bad. Besides, everybody knows that you—"

"If you divulge any horrifying secrets, that photograph of you as a gay lumberjack can and will be used against you in a court of law," Megx warned

"Ok then. So I won't tell people that you sleep with a giant red plushie lobster."

"Beside the point! Harry, you are a perverted disgusting boy," said Megx.

"………………………………….didn't he just say you sleep with a—"

"QUIET or I'll be forced to use the chainsaw!" Megx screeched.

"So, what now?" said Lord Larry.

"Detention! Megx and Lord Larry style!" she said with irritating glee. A manic glint began to shine in her eye and the trio was off, and when next seen Harry was being shackled to a stone bench in a large dungeon. Every other character that has ever appeared in this particular story was there also, including the Waffle Iron of DOOM!, Drag Voldemort, and even Neville Longbottom though he will not again be mentioned in this chapter. Even the random characters from other fandoms were there, Darth Vader, the Lord of the Rings bunch, and horny little Yoda.

"She got you too?" Harry said to Ron and Hermione, who were sitting at his side.

"Bloody hell," said Ron woefully. "Got me for urinating on a house elf. But it wasn't my fault, I swear! It was on fire!"

"And you set the thing on fire, didn't you?" said Megx.

"Only because it was freezing, poor thing!"

"Because you stuck it in the freezer, right?" Lord Larry said, tutting and shaking his head.

"Only because was overheated! Sweating like crazy!"

"And why did you have it closed up in that box, next to the furnace, covered with a dozen thick wooly blankets?"

"Because I'm Elfophobic," said Ron with a sigh, hanging his head.

"And why are you here?" said Harry.

"Because I'm a nitwit and I love to be punished!"

"That's right!" said Megx, lashing Hermione with a whip. "Who's been a naughty little witch?"

"I have, I have!" said Hermione, earning another blow.

"Should we be watching this?" said Legolas. "I mean, without at least paying or something?"

"And you! Elf-boy! Tell them why you're here!"

Legolas hung his head in shame. "I'm pregnant with Aragorn's child," he said sadly. "But Aragorn won't leave Arwen for me, so now I'm left all alone to be a single mother."

"Aww, it's not rasp so bad being a Man Mommy," said Darth Vader, patting him on the shoulder from afar with his Jedi powers. "Hagrid and I have been fathers well over two days now, we'll rasp help you with anything you need."

Legolas began to wail, clutching his protuding belly, as the rest of the detained (as well as Megx and Lord Larry) gagged up their lunch.

"And why are you here?" asked Megx of the hobbits.

"For holding an unlicensed Hobbit-Tossing tournament, ultimately resulting in Merry's unfortunate and unchangeable conviction that he is, in fact, a turnip," said Frodo in a surly manner.

"Eat me, I taste like rancid feet!" said Merry, waving his hands in the air like he just didn't care.

"I hardly did anything horrible," said Voldimina (a name he gave himself having stolen Ron's boobage two chapters ago). "Unless you count murdering hundreds of innocent..."

"Admit what you did wrong!" said Megx, pointing the finger of accusation (which was quite pointy).

"Nothing!"

"Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar!"

"Voldimina stole the cookie from the cookie jar!"

"Who, me?"

"Yes, you!"

"Couldn't be!"

"Then who," said Megx suspiciously, squinting.

"Turnips lurve cookie!" said Merry. Megx slapped him.

"Enough of this!" said Lord Larry. "Aren't we going to...punish them?"

"Isn't listening to this nonsense punishment enough?" murmured Harry.

"Ha! For your insubordinance, you shall be the first to die..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"."

"Enough of the ellipses!" whispered Lord Larry.

"...this cat purple! MUAHAHAHHA!"

"You do realize that's an llama?" said Legolas in between his weeping uncontrollably.

"WRONG! It's an Alpaca! Muaahahahahahahahahahah...me lurves Alpaca..."

"You...have major issues. You know that?" said Harry.

"Shut up and shave that cactus!" Lord Larry cried. "And when you're done...shove a banana up it's tailpipe!"

"What tailpipe?"

"Not the tailpipe of the Popemobile. Suckers!" cried the pontiff as he drove away, leaving the rest to stare in confusion momentarily.

"Annnnnyway," said Megx. "What were we about to do?"

"Sing a gay tune?" said Draco.

"Harrass and simultaneously feel the incessant urge to bed The-Boy-Who-Lived?" said Snape, slightly peeved he wasn't used earlier in the chapter.

"Curl up around a blazing fire with Shakespeare and good wine, as Verdi drifts lightly in from the speaker in the next room?" said the Waffle Iron of DOOM!.

"Nope!" said Megx gleefully. "We're going to go stalk Britney Spears and shoot spitballs at her head!"

"Yay!" they all said happily.

And so they did. And so they did.

The End (of the World) ((But only a very distant world that nobody really cares about anyway)) (((Though that sounds a bit horrible, now that I think of it))) ((((Oh well, they were probably douchebags anyway))))


	17. AUTHORS NOTE!

Author's Note:

Well, I guess that's about enough of that. Seventeen chapters of randomness managed to take up about five years of my life, but I will no longer post anything on this story. For anybody who ever read it, the randomness has moved on to another account on this site.

Though still random, I hope that you will find the randomness is perhaps a bit more…understandable. Or at least, a more mature brand of the nonsense that I have become so well loved for.

Anyway, visit my account as MNMoore here on . The story is 627 Points of Randomness. And yes, Voldemort will still be wearing a blonde, curly wig.


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